The Inevitable Change

With the new year comes SO much excitement and change, it’s sometimes hard to fathom. But, for me, it also feels somewhat like the end of everything I have always known. 

Since my last post (centuries ago) I have been taking every moment to really enjoy this quiet, happy life that Chris and I have built. We have taken the time to do as many of our favorite things as we can, many for the last time. While we are over the moon about our little love bug’s arrival and are counting the seconds until we get to finally meet her, her birthday will be the end of the life we have become so accustomed to, and it’s hard not feel a little bittersweet about it. 

My whole life, 27 years, I have really only had to worry about myself. From childhood we are taught to take care of ourselves, and we learn it well. We are encouraged to know and continue to discover who we are, and to love that person.  And in almost three decades, I have become really good at it. 

Of course I have worried about and cared for many others throughout my life; family members, significant others, pets. And while some, pets particularly, do rely on you to survive, it is nothing like the constant, life-changing responsibility of raising a child. Pets do not dictate your every move. (Even my incredibly high-maintenance fur friend, who, let’s be honest, dictates most of my moves.)  I have always slept when I wanted, gotten out of bed when I wanted, eaten when and what I wanted, really spent my life how I wanted to spend it. These choices only had a direct impact on me. 

While I know that once my little girl is here, I will love her so much and be so completely consumed by her that I won’t even remember these concerns, much less care, I feel like it is healthy for me to recognize the magnitude of change that is looming. 

A very specific aspect of this pre-baby life that I am particularly sad about losing is my time with Christopher. I feel like I have waited my whole life to find him, and now that I finally have, I’m going to have to share him. I have loved every minute of our time together, taking care of him as best I can. Spending our days driving around with a warm beverage in hand, no particular destination in mind, but always somehow ending up in a magnificent neighborhood, daydreaming about the beautiful houses and the life we would undoubtedly have one day. We never had much to show for these lazy days, but we always came home knowing each other just a little bit better than when we left that morning. And a little bit more in love. I don’t feel ready to give up his undivided attention yet, but that is the nature of an unplanned pregnancy, everything happens before you’re ready. 

Still I am confident that the love and joy that our child brings us will make us so much closer that these fears will be immediately replaced by a fullness that I can only imagine. She is, after all, a product of our love, and therefore will only enhance it. 

But for now, I will soak up as much of my Bear as I am humanly capable of, and know that what is coming will be so much more than what has been.